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April was a bitch, and so was I. For much of it I felt as if I was in a communication black hole and this was intensely distressing. A glimpse into the last few weeks:

  • Text messages and emails from friends were never received
  • Posts on professional and personal Facebook pages vanished without a trace
  • I received some surprisingly harsh criticism of my book – was called cruel and inhumane – and could honestly not understand why
  • I anticipated giving a much-dreaded talk to an audience of my peers, for which there were many unknowns
  • We had house guests for 3 weeks, all of whom spoke a language I’m studying but in which I am not fluent, meaning it was never 100% clear if we were understanding one another
  • A friend with whom I was developing a workshop severed our relationship with nary an explanation, just a pseudo-spiritual quip

At the same time, wonderful things happened:

  • Those same house guests were people I love deeply and felt lucky to spend time with; I enjoyed sharing many quintessential New York and American experiences with them
  • I began working with a wonderful business coach and started to take the next steps in building my business, one of which is getting comfortable with public speaking (oh, and the talk went fine)
  • Several clients experienced important breakthroughs in their work with me
  • I received an email from someone who had read Drinking to Distraction and was helped by it
  • A woman I met at another nutrition talk I gave decided to stop drinking as the result of a conversation we had (and now has several weeks sober!)
  • My parents spent an enviable 10 days in Paris and had the time of their lives
  • I spent a weekend with my beautiful sister and nieces, who just adopted a 10-year-old miniature poodle
  • I made a wonderful new friend of the no-BS variety
  • A friend with whom I was developing a workshop severed our relationship with nary an explanation, just a pseudo-spiritual quip (think I dodged a bullet here)

Though my formal meditation practice waned during the month of April – all of the “not knowing” drove me away from my practice rather than toward it – I was intensely aware of the ups and downs as they occurred. But I felt a greater allegiance to the stressful aspects of that time – the ways in which I, ME, MYSELF was suffering. I experienced a form of anxiety that was deeply physical – feet feeling as if they weren’t touching the ground, stomach in knots, zero appetite (beyond rare for me), a light-headedness that at times felt as if I might just lose it altogether.

Uncertainty is something I continue to grapple with. Intellectually, I get the concept – I might even be able to speak on the topic with an air of confidence and comprehension. But the actual experience of uncertainty – not being sure if someone has understood me, not knowing whether I did something to bring about a negative outcome, not having exclusive access to the cocoon in which I hide – can be distressing to the degree of questioning my sanity.

I heard myself say more times than I’d like to admit (using both my inside voice and my outside voice), “I could really go for a drink right now.” The degree of discomfort uncertainty provoked created a deep desire to obliterate myself and completely disconnect. One morning I even found myself chugging a kombucha (something I already had mixed feelings about due to it’s 0.5% alcohol content) wishing it were a fizzy cocktail.

I went to a handful of AA meetings and couldn’t stop crying. I felt drawn in by the copious one-liners and promises of peace. I have always left the door to “the rooms” open. Though it has not been part of my recovery so far, as I approach 7 years, I am more than willing to incorporate the fellowship if that is what I need to maintain my sobriety.

But while I feel desperate for that level of certainty, I’m also suspicious. I wonder if the solution is finding more certainty or becoming better at tolerating the uncertainty. This is a question for anyone who regularly attends meetings, particularly those who have also used meditation to support their recovery.

As I have settled back into my practice, I have also been rereading some of my favorite dharma books. Not surprisingly Pema Chodron’s Comfortable with Uncertainty was my first stop. On turning arrows into flowers, she writes:

Devaputra mara involves seeking pleasure. Any obstacle we encounter has the power to pop the bubble of reality that we have come to regard as secure and certain. When we’re threatened that way, we can’t stand to feel the edginess, the anxiety, the heat of anger rising, the bitter taste of resentment. Therefore, we reach for whatever we think will blot it out. We try to grasp something pleasant. The way to turn this arrow into a flower is to open our hearts and look at how we try to escape. We can use the pleasure-seeking as an opportunity to observe what we do in the face of pain.

Where I go from here I don’t know yet…cue the uncertainty-related anxiety. Do I begin to incorporate the AA fellowship into my sobriety? To try to find like-minded others on that ill-defined path of recovery, meditation, and meetings? Trust that there is so much more to the program than the catchy phrases and free coffee?

Will the pain of not knowing drive me to wake up or go to sleep?

This is a program I’m co-teaching with two people I really respect and thought that Drinking to Distraction readers might be interested!

 

Yoga. Meditation. Nutrition. We each know these are the building blocks of true health, yet it seems impossible to stay with it all amidst the craziness of everyday life.

Three teachers have put together a completely doable method for restoring you to the path of inner and outer fitness. In just 21 days, you can begin to detoxify through this simple but comprehensive yoga, meditation, and nutrition program. Constructed to slot into daily life with minimal to no hassle, this video-based immersive experience will guide you day by day to a more vibrant and peaceful sense of being.

On May 16th, you will gain access to the following:

Eight yoga videos from Pranavayu founder David Magone

David is known for both the physicality of his practice and it’s focus on relaxation. If you are a beginner, don’t worry, you will be carefully led into the practice. And if you’re an experienced yogi, don’t worry either! There will also be flowing sequences to really get you moving, twisting, and sweating. In addition, David has created a yoga video just for relaxation: a complete Savasana experience designed to help you experience a relaxation response.

An introduction to meditation from Open Heart Project founder Susan Piver and four videos to support your practice

Learning to settle and balance the mind goes hand in hand with settling and balancing the body. New York Times best selling author and Buddhist teacher Susan Piver has created four videos especially for this program, to bring meditation into your life easily and comfortably. They are meant to be used throughout the program and include a 10-minute fully guided meditation suitable for both beginners and more experienced meditators, a 20-minute meditation for those times you want to sit longer, and a special loving-kindness meditation video for use as we relax and encounter our hearts. In addition, there is a 20+ minute talk on the benefits, joys, and misconceptions about meditation.

A mindful nutrition program and three videos about “eating to love” from nutritionist and author Jenna Hollenstein

Along with yoga and meditation, you will be supported to eat foods that support mental clarity, emotional calm, and physical vitality. Jenna is known for her “Redefining Fullness” counseling, which is about bringing mindfulness to your relationship to food—the way you think of it, prepare it, consume it, and relate to it in general. One video introduces the nutrition approach to the mind-body detox, a second guides you through a mindful eating exercise, and the third is a simple five minute discussion of reconnecting with your body.

A comprehensive workbook to guide you

There is a suggested schedule for each day of the program and guidance for entering it as easily as possible. In addition to the schedule, the workbook contains journaling exercises, suggested readings, and place for you to keep a “Practice Journal.”

Three group check ins with the group and teachers

Each week, the group will meet online with all three teachers discuss progress, ask questions, and share reflections. It will be recorded for those who cannot participate live and a link sent out.

Private community page

A place to check in 24/7.

Upon completion of this program, you will have learned lifelong skills for inner and outer fitness.

Cost: $324 USD Payable in full or in three weekly installments of $108 USD each.

Early bird sign-up begins April 14, 2014 – Save 10%

Regular price sign-up begins: April 29, 2014

No cancellations

PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING DISCLAIMER: As with any exercise, eating, or meditation program, please consult your physician before participating in the 21-Day Mind-Body Detox. This program may not be appropriate for everyone, particularly those with an alcohol or drug addiction, an eating disorder, or individuals undergoing medical or psychiatric treatment for these or any other conditions. If you are taking prescription medication for these or any other conditions, do not discontinue them unless indicated by your physician. The exercise, nutrition, and meditation instruction herein is not a substitute for medical attention, examination, diagnosis, or treatment.

Not all exercise is suitable for everyone and this or any exercise program could result in injury. To reduce the risk of injury, never force or strain. Always take care when determining your ability to do the exercises offered in class, particularly if you have a specific injury or condition. If you feel pain, discomfort, or dizziness, discontinue and consult a medical professional.

The creators, producers, participants, and distributors of this program disclaim any liability or loss arising out of or in connection with the services, instructions, exercise, and advice herein.

“To Be or Not To Be”

At some point, perhaps years before the night of my book party, alcohol and drinking began to occupy an increasing amount of my mental real estate. During the workday I eagerly anticipated cocktail hour. Or I perseverated over where to purchase a bottle of wine on my way home from work. Among my shopping criteria were selection, price range, and distance from my condo. But most importantly, how frequently or recently I had purchased from a certain place. I feared becoming recognized as a “regular” so I rotated my patronage accordingly.

Read more…

Very happy to have been reviewed by Kirkus Indie:

 

“Hollenstein (Understanding Dietary Supplements, 2007) makes it clear from the start that her book has none of the drama of typical addiction memoirs. She has no harrowing, cinematic rock-bottom moment to report, for example; instead, she focuses on her slow realization that “[a]lcohol numbed both [her] pain and [her] joy.” This quiet process of introspection, however, proves to be just as engaging as any tale of alcohol-induced havoc. Hollenstein writes eloquently of the complex role that alcohol once played in her life, and her insights into drinking’s cultural currency are especially sharp. Of alcohol’s transformative power, for example, she writes: “Champagne with oysters transported me to Paris….I drank whiskey to express my saltier side.””

Read more…

Drinking to Distraction: This Review Is Late Because I Have Been Drinking {Book Review}

My name is Jennifer Moore and I am not an alcoholic.

Three weeks ago I received a copy of Drinking to Distraction by Jenna Hollenstein from the publisher. It is a short book, only 82 pages, and I read it quickly. I have been sitting on the review because it made me think.

I have gone through periods without alcohol; I didn’t drink when I was pregnant or during the almost three years I nursed. Yes… there were a couple pump-and-dump evenings out, but I abstained—mostly.

As a child, my parents and their friends drank beer; I prefer red wine or scotch. Over the years, I have spent many nights out at bars drinking with friends. This happens rarely now that I have a child. I often have a glass of red wine with dinner—sometimes I drink a few glasses at home alone.

I used to believe that I could drink mindfully; that having a glass of wine (or three) every once in a while could be done consciously—mindfully. But this book has made me question these beliefs.

Read more…

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Lauren Stahl created SPARKite to help people like you and me hold ourselves accountable to the goals we wish to meet (but to do so, we might need some additional support). Lauren and I sat down for a little chat the other day. View the video here:

In addition, we will be hosting a conference call on Wednesday, February 26 (Yes! Tonight!) at 8PM EST. Dial in details are below. Here you can ask me your questions about food, nutrition, intuitive eating etc.

Conference call with Jenna Hollenstein MS RD
Wednesday, February 26th @ 8PM EST
Dial-in Number: 1-857-232-0159
Conference Code: 329250

 

 

 

wineFull disclosure: I don’t drink anymore. More than 6 years ago, on my 33rd birthday, I drank my last glass of wine. It wasn’t particularly memorable except for the fact that it marked what I sometimes think of as the beginning of my new life. More on that later.

For many years before that last drink, and ever since, I have spent a lot of time thinking about alcohol and drinking. Before I quit, that thinking came from a place of guilt and shame, and the mounting worry that I had a drinking problem. Since I quit, my thinking about alcohol has been more objective; it has come from a place of curiosity rather than obsession. And it is from that place that I would like to share some potentially unpopular, but very honest, thoughts about drinking.

Read more…

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